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Wednesday, July 19, 2006
Its worst than I thought. It haunts me every night.
Dad made a joke at the dining table one night. He asked my mum this question...
Dad: you think Crystal will marry an ang moh one day?
Me: No way...and NEVER!ang moh's are way stupid and I can't stand ang mohs
Mum: Never say never. it doesn't matter who my daughters marry just as long as they're a good man.
This conversation got me thinking. What mum said is true. Never say never and it doesn't matter who we'll end up with. Good looking or not, the important thing is we find a good man with a good heart. But hey...How would we know if he's a good man with a good heart or not? Love is blind! Even if he's bad, we're so blinded by love, we'll think that he's good. Not only that, people may tell us that he's bad, but because we're so blind, we become so damn stubborn that we choose to shut them out and continue to love that person.In the first place, will I ever love again? I don't think so, I'm just too afraid.
Isn't love such a strange and funny thing? It plays with our hearts and our minds. The heart feels love at the beginning, and when it ends, the heart breaks into a million pieces. The mind follows the heart, it switches to commitment at the beginning. When it ends, the mind plays with the heart, one moment the heart aches and the mind tells us to move on, another moment, the mind thinks back and that's when the heart wants to be strong but everything just comes crashing once again. I don't really know how to explain it, neither do I know if I'm currently making any sense here. My mind's just full of thoughts now. Full of flashbacks, full of confusion. My heart? It's just unsure of everything.
It's late. I should turn in...its nights like this that makes me want to scream and run away from this world. To disappear from the face of this earth, to stop my fake smiles and to erase all my memories.
"I woke up today
Woke up wide awake
In an empty bed
Staring at an empty room
I have myself to blame
For the state I'm in today
And now dying
Doesn't seem so cruel
And oh, I don't know what to say
And I don't know anyway
Anymore
I hate myself for losing you
I'm seeing it all so clear
I hate myself for losing you
What do you do when you look in the mirror
And staring at you is why he's not here?
You got what you deserved
Hope you're happy now
'Cause everytime I think of her with you
It's killing me
Inside, and
Now I dread each day
Knowing that I can't be saved
From the loneliness
Of living without you
And, oh
I don't know what to do
Not sure that I'll pull through
I wish you knew
I hate myself for losing you
I'm seeing it all so clear
I hate myself for losing you
What do you do when you look in the mirror
And staring at you is why he's not here?
I hate myself for losing you
And oh, I don't know what to do
I wish you knew
And oh, I don't know what to say
And I don't know anyway
Anymore
No, no
I hate myself for losing you
(I'm seeing it all so clear)
I'm seeing it all so clear
I hate myself for losing you
What do you do when you look in the mirror
And staring at you is why he's not here?
What do you say when everything's said?
Is the reason why he left you in the end?
How do you cry when every tear you shed
Won't ever bring him back again?
I hate myself for loving you"
CRYSTAL GABRIELLE ALEXIS KOH
4th feb'88
11 years of ij, murdoch college(Perth)