Another horrible day for me. Got back bio, 40% what kinda crap result is that? This time I'm really falling. Thoughts came running through my head. I should leave this place and never return. Head home, and not return to Aus ever again. I feel like I've let my parents down a whole lot. Everyone's trying to cheer me up but this time, nothing works. I just keep on breaking down. Today...a total of 3-4 breakdowns, but all lasted really long. As I'm typing this entry, my tears keep falling. I can't help it. Too many things on my mind, I'm so lost, don't know what to do.

So I came home after school, gave my mum a call to give her disappointing news. It wasn't easy, but I held my tears back and choked as I gave her the news. My heart was breaking. I knew that I had disappointed her. I hate that feeling. I could hear my mum's heart breaking too. Arghh..why the hell did I come here. I'm hurting the ones that I love the most. My parents. Mum didn't scold me, she just said..."ah ya...why like that?" When I heard those words, I felt even more sorry, why didn't she scold me? Why? I wanna know! She ended the call and I sat there shaking, held back my tears but couldn't take it any longer and broke.

Des came online, my sis came online, but none of them could cheer me up. Even though they tried to encourage me, tried to pull me back up, I just kept on falling. I can't pick myself up anymore. I don't know why. Des said that my parents would understand, my sis said that I shouldn't be thinking negative. But shit...I can't help it. I've tried so hard and this is what i get? It's so hard for me to accept it. I used to be able to accept my results, but this time, I can't. Why? Cause my parents have put in so much money to send me here and all I do is put it to waste. Argh...and another reason, I put in so much effort, I never did study so hard in my whole life, ever since I came here, I really study, but no...what results do I get? No results. How sucky is that?

Mum just came online just now. Dad and her spoke to me. Words of encouragement came out of them. I was so desperate to say sorry, but I couldn't bring myself to say that cause I knew that I had already broken their hearts. I was so desperate to tell them that I wanna go home. But I couldn't because I knew that they wouldn't want me to give up now. It was so difficult to speak to them. I held my tears but as i heard words of encouragement, I broke. My parents heard me breakdown and more words of encouragement came out. Dad said "don't cry already, just work towards your dreams." Mum said "no point crying, it's over, now just think of what other carrier path would you want to go into, we can't make decisions for you, only you'll know what you wanna do." I kept telling mum that I really studied so hard but I don't know why I got this kinda results, I just kept on saying I don't know. My mum just kept on telling me that they knew that I've been trying my very best and it's ok. She kept on telling me to relax and don't get too stressed up about it. I never heard those words from her when I was back home. I guess, this time she really knows that I've put in hell loads of effort. She knows that I'm real disappointed with my results.

My head and eyes hurt so bad now. I don't know what to do, I can't make it to uni. My dreams of bring a vet's gone. And that's really ok. But now...what am I suppose to do? Am I suppose to push myself more? I don't know. I'm just so lost, scared. That's what I told my mum. I told her "mum, when I look at my results, I'm just so afraid that I can't make it to uni" But all she could say was, only you can decide what you wanna do now. Shit...I wish I was a kid again, I wouldn't need to make decisions.

It's funny how we all used to wish that we had freedom. But hey look at me now. I've got freedom now, but I don't want it anymore. Freedom of choice. Freedom of making my own decisions without parents to object to it. Argh...I don't want it anymore. Take it back! It's driving me nuts. Something tells me that I've gone into a deep deep deep depression. But I wouldn't know if I'm in that stage yet, I've been laughing and all, but once things suddenly hit me right smack in the face, thoughts come running through my head again. I must be insane, emtionally unstable for the moment.

All I need now is someone who can physically be here for me now. I need someone who's close to me. Someone who loves me and someone who I love. Anyone back home from s'pore would be good. I must be homesick. I don't know. I just need a shoulder to cry on, someone to hold me and tell me that everything's alright. I hate being in perth, I'm so far away from everyone. What I really need now is Dern, Jia, Sam, Mum, Dad, Pebbles and maybe des. I'm emotionally drained, mentally drained. My head hurts. I shall turn in early.