I've never been the kind that you'd call lucky
Always stumbling' around in circles
But I must have stumbled into something
Look at me
Am I really alone with you
I wake up feeling like my life's worth living
Can't recall when I last felt that way
Guess it must be all this love you're giving
Never knew never knew it could be like this
fix me? fix you?
I'm mentally and physically drained. I've been staying back in the library till 6 plus 7 just to study. Tired? Definitely tired. So much so that yesterday. I became so damn moody. My friends had no clue what was wrong with me. Why? It's because they've only known me for 4 months. Sighs..I really miss the ij days when friends like dern, jia and the rest knew how to read me and make me feel better. Moody me had no mood for the university library and headed off for an ice cream which kinda made me feel better. Laughing and smiling away with friends. However...deep me in, I knew that it was all just a cover up. Yes...again. Don't get me wrong, I'm alright, I'm not thinking negative. I'm just drained and yes...somewhere in me knows that something's not right and in deed, it's making me feel worst.
I used to look forward to weekends. Now? Different story. I really hate weekends. It's a real torture. The weekends are just weekends which gives me the shivers because I'll never know what's going to happen next. And when monday comes, confusion kicks in. Sighs...why is all this happening! Argh...I'm so desperate to head home now! Like right now! I wanna turn back time and wished that nothing like this happened. Or rather...nothing of what I'm thinking would eventually happen or it's going to happen soon. I'm so physically and mentally tired that I hardly know what I'm talking about now. I hardly know how to feel. My heart's been stoned.
I try not to think about it. I do things to keep my mind ocuupied, but it's just so difficult to keep that out of my mind. I say things that I don't mean to make myself feel better for that second. I laugh at the thought of what's happening now. I'm losing it ain't I? I think so too. Everyone's saying that. "Crystal..you're losing it, cry out if you have to" Cry? I'm stoned! As much as I would love to cry it out, would it solve it? would I get answers? I would really really love to cry it all out. But..it's not working. I don't know why. I wanna cry! I really do! I tell myself to hang in there. Maybe that's why I can't cry. I don't know! I need some fixing!
HANG IN THERE! it plays in my head everyday. just a few more months and you'll be out of here. But then again...should I even be hanging on when I'm so afraid of the outcomes? sighs..I don't know. I really don't. I hate that phrase!
Fix You- Cold Play
When you I try your my best, but you I don't succeed
When you get what you want, but not what you need
When you feel so tired, but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse
When the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone, but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?
Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you
High up above or down below
When you too in love to let it go
If you never try you'll never know
Just watch and learn
Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you
CRYSTAL GABRIELLE ALEXIS KOH
4th feb'88
11 years of ij, murdoch college(Perth)